Time Loop Closed.

Finally the time loop is closed. After 20 years I find myself in front of the brain core again. Looking through the gaps in the ships superstructure I see the other Viper, my younger self. I watch as they twitch jerk the stick and fire compulsively, without thought for where any stray shots might go. Seeing the fervor in these simple behaviors, it all comes back to me, like seeing a photo of ones self from long ago - transported to a previous mindset, but at the same time I'm aware that that person is no longer me, they no longer exist.

This young version of myself, this bright phantom of past - so full of passion, direction, a desire to have a positive impact on the universe. So much energy, belief and hope, connected to a world that seemed to make sense, that seemed to offer so opportunities to those who worked hard, who did the right thing, who tried their best.

I would have denied it at the time, but I thought I could be a hero.

It was a world of possibilities opening, an adventure just beginning with so much to experience and enjoy.

But now I sit on the other side of the centre line. Now in a reality where so much has been revealed yet far less seems clear - a world that held so many fewer promises than I thought, that did not curry favour in the way that all the stories told me it would. I have seen a world I spent hoped on turn sour. No longer with a faith in investing effort in a universe that is incapable of caring.

I have made choices, followed pathways, but now I can feel my life narrowing - options drawing inwards towards an endpoint. It is the decisions already made that define my future far more than the ones I am yet to make. In a way I feel like i'm just playing out the rest of my life, just along for the ride with no real agency. But I should have known that it would end like this really, I ended up back here after all.

The giant brain eye looks at me, into me, like it knows - like it's smiling. Maybe this is actually their victory. They never really needed to destroy us to defeat us.

A vibrant voice comes through the radio “Eye destroyed! I’m getting out of here! Good luck!”

Yeah, good luck to you too kid…

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Gradius V turned 20 recently. I’m still pretty dreadful at it, but this bit always seemed to have meaning to me.